Man In The Mirror

Posted: August 14, 2017 in Tales o' mine

In the end, all that really matters is you. The choices you make. The compromises. The decisions. The chances you let go. The options unconsidered. The sacrifices. The habits you stick to. The people you let in. The job you choose. The people you love. And we never really know right choices from the bad ones till way past the 11th hour at times. But in good faith, we just hope the choices don’t haunt too much. A chance at a re-do, often not available. Humans are all shitty. And you won’t get treated the same you’d do people, no.. Never. And you’d be hurt. But then (A) moving on. (B) letting go. (C) Staying put| are choices you’d always get to make. May providence guide all choices made and may the good Lord never cease to whisper what path we should tread. But in the end, in the far end… All that really matters is you. And you. And you alone. Never settle for less, and never be scared of being alone for the true essence of who you really are, are often in those moments of utter solitude. ¶The Man In The Mirror¶

(Mumbled, jumbled, higgedly-piggedly and impulsively written)

Me, My insomnia and You 

Posted: July 22, 2017 in Tales o' mine
Tags: ,


When insomnia plagues my soul, & my soul can’t seem to find the rest it needs, & I have you right next to me, trust me.. I’m as blessed as father Abraham was!! I’d watch U sleep. Listen to the sound of your breath. Glide on the pitch of your snores. Smile endlessly & marvel at the INTENSITY of your ENTIRETY. I’d evaluate every bit of you & unceasingly take in every lil detail. This is my chance to know you.. Yes it is. Know you in a way you don’t know yourself & never will. You’d never watch yourself sleep.. Not in this life. I’d swell with excitement and play with your hair. Somehow.. You’d twitch & see me watching you. You’d open those beautiful eyes gently & I’d help you peel off the crust & peck that forehead. You’d be sad that I can’t sleep. But I’d tell you ‘fuck that baby, I’m happy I can’t. I have you to adore’. You’d kiss me, won’t you? Of course. I always tell you I love the taste of your staleness. It’s weird to you, but it is what it is. When you love people, and they don’t ask ‘How can you love this about me?’ up your game yo! Make them feel like gods! Love the shittiest details mehn! And I’d say, ‘you didn’t snore too loudly today’. You’d say ‘Hey, I didn’t even snore at all!’. I’d give you that what-do-u-know look. ‘You snored, you did. But like always, it was symphony to my soul. I was trying to hum to its inconsistent pattern’. And you’d laugh. And  say ‘oh my God!’.. And I’d laugh too. And tighten my embrace & you’d lean in. Fully. And whatever happens next is not my fault, neither is it yours. & then, maybe after hitting climax, (after you though).. I’d be too exhausted & I’d finally get to crash with you still wrapped up in my arms like the foil on some expertly made shawarma. And I’d smile as I drift calmly into utter unconsciousness. I’d never understand how someone like me can be so blessed with so much happiness. I’d whisper ‘I luv you’ sleepily into your ears. You’d say ‘I luv u t…’ but the too won’t come out fully. Sleep whisked u away before you delivered your speech. I’d chuckle. You just sleep too easily.

Oh shit! 

Posted: July 19, 2017 in Tales o' mine
Tags: , ,

If I knew growing up was so Chaotic, Confusing, Disastrous, Intense and such a Mess.. 

I’d have died when I was a child 

And risked getting called Abiku 

Or I would have been just another random Egg,

That become another monthly flow. 

A proof of fertility, nothing more. 

Too late to be anything but an adult now 

Way too late to die. 

S(soul)-ray.

Posted: June 3, 2017 in Tales o' mine

People that wear their flaws like robes are my favorite kind of humans!!

Before the first ‘Hi’, I’d tell you I’m some cocky bastard with a large ass size of ego! I’m sad at times. Depressed often. Broken deep inside. Mystery is weaved deeply into the core of my DNA. I’m usually a mess when my emotions are heightened. I almost feel everything and nothing at once. I suck at asking for help- I could be crumbling and facing a wreck and I won’t say shit to you cos I’m just fucked up like that and I damn well hate to be at the mercy of anyone. And until I’m really comfortable with you, even way after.. There’d always be a part of my existence that you’d never entirely figure out. And what I want, when I want: that I want! And I’m not nice everytime and I don’t like to ever be vulnerable and I still hit myself every night for being human, I’d want to be absolutely anything else! At this point of my life, I’m not particularly in love with the Idea of living, maybe soon I would.

I won’t say loudly that I’m some very awesome kind of Fucked up. And for a VERY small circle of people, I’m some amazing idiot!

And I’d pop the question,

Yo can you deal?

No?

Walk away then!
And I don’t care what you say thereafter, not all humans come with a label but I wear mine on my face and if that makes you a bit uncomfortable, I’m not sorry.

I’ve been on my own for way too long, so being alone doesn’t scare me one bit anymore.

And the bitterest truth is I’d understand if you have to go, even I still have big time issues dealing with me.

So bye.

You’d find no one weirder though.

This hasn’t been the best way to live, but I sure as hell won’t choose to live the minutest second differently!

Way to go! 

Posted: May 28, 2017 in Tales o' mine

Guest Writer: Esan-Owolabi,  Abolade Smart. (pix above)

I woke up this morning feeling a little mad at myself. Perhaps for allowing myself to be taken for granted by other persons who I consider friends or even family, and sometimes acquaintances to say the very least. In all honesty, I think this is as a result of selfishness and self-centeredness on the part or these said people. I could even appear to be more of those two myself, although I try to be as careful as possible with my choice of words when I converse, so as not to upset the person I converse with, & each time I decide to do something, I think as hard as possible to take into cognizance honesty, dignity and the impact of my actions in order not to put anyone in distress… I try, I keep trying, to the point that I’ve forgotten how to even get mad, goodness me! These days I just smile, and say nothing.. Too much tranquil reflections and tolerance for people’s bulshit is gradually changing who I am. I then think to myself, that if I eventually get married I would be a total bore to my supposed wife probably because I wouldn’t even give room for any quarrel whatsoever. I said ‘if’, because I care less about all the importance and supposed height of achievement our society has attached to being married. That’s not to say that I despise the belief or the culture of my people, I infact love the fact that we deviated from some of the beliefs of the white man (but I won’t hesitate for a split second to jump on a plane and leave this country if the opportunity presents itself)

According to a book written by Adewale Ademoyega, ‘why we struck.’ A detailed account as to why the first coup d’ etat in 1966 took place. Led by the likes of kaduna Nzeogwu, Emmanuel ifeajuna and Adewale Ademoyega himself, who all were majors serving in the Nigerian military then. It was accounted then that the men at the helm of affairs were running Nigeria aground with their corrupt ways as a result of being sinister, selfish and self-centered. So then, the selfishness and self-centeredness of an average Nigerian person goes as far back as shortly after we gained independence or even beyond. It is in the nature of a Nigerian man and men generally to want you to succeed but not as much as himself, with an exception of only a few. 

I woke up feeling mad and now I feel a little stupid… Regardless of how holy, honest or uncorrupted we might all feel, there is always a little evil, a little bad thought and we tend to be judged by the way we control ours. I understand now that we can’t always have what we want and we can’t always force people to treat us right, or to even treat us the way we treat them… Like I said once before, that we should just stop worrying and try living, it appears that I’ve been doing the former. I’ve reevaluated and I will restrategize so as to eventually embark on the journey of living.

©Esan-Owolabi, Abolade Smart. 

Posted: May 19, 2017 in Tales o' mine

Dreams..Dreams..Dreams.. 
Wouldn’t stop making us smile & hope! 

We all wish for better days ahead:

I’ll do this @25, 

That @30! 

And we just talk about the future like we have a goddamn clue!!

Sure fate lurks somewhere, 

And watch us make those plans, 

Beholds us as we dream our dreams, 

Shake Its head, 

And whisper to itself..

‘Humans and their ignorance,

That folk is due tomorrow and see him making plans for the next full moon, 

One he won’t see.. 

What a pity..’ 

The morrow comes 

& away goes our man to the world beyond with all his plans crashing like pack of cards!

Friends would only mourn for a while,

Families would cry for some days, 

And they’d whisper to themselves:

‘Life goes on mehn..’

That phrase though!! 

Everyone lives on but gone is that bloke with his many dreams and plans.

What a world!!

I dreamt while I was sleeping, 

I woke up, 

Took a seat near the window, 

Whistle some cool tunes & look straight at the sky, 

Rest my eyes on the trees and let it hover around the things of nature and….

Dream on still-

This time, with my eyes open. 

This is like the only chance I get to smile genuinely just like that poor boy down the street

whose only chance to smile is when he’s

gon get a shot from a stranger’s camera..

And then, he’d feature in a foreigner’s documentary,

A story about POVERTY. 

That ‘cheesy’ smile just gotta be made for that period of time. 

The excitement it brings,

The solace it provides. 

Absolutely unfathomable!

Let the littlest things warm your heart. 

Come on.. 

Hold on to that dream,

Ponder on it,

Smile in it and never cry..

Tis very much allowed, 

But for a sec, 

Think about the fact that 

It just might not come true, never. 

Oh! 

No one wants to do that!

Positive thinkers.. we tag ourselves! 

But have fun anyways..

Keep whispering ‘Life is beautiful even 

when its as ugly as shit!! 

It really is good for the soul. 

..And I’m out. 

Peace!

May 15, 2013. 09:26am.

The UnMANned man (2)

Posted: April 29, 2017 in Tales o' mine

Candice didn’t grow up in the country. She relocated back here like two years ago. I’m one of those people that’d verbally attack anyone that does that. I’d ask why on earth you’d decide to leave a sane society for this shithole of ours! Her own response was just like the ones I’ve heard too:

‘I just decided to return home and start a life here’.. 

Like, seriously?? Is your brain like decayed or something? But then, people would always have to make their own choices. 

The very first date we had was a disaster. I was so uptight. So much, it annoyed me! She was just there, sitting across the table. Smiling unendingly. Earlier, I almost declined when she put that call through and asked that I show up at one bar in town. Apparently, one of her uncles own it. It’s one of those days when I want to spend forever in bed. And then, the call just popped in. Oh damn! After so much hesitation, I dressed up and hit the road. 

There’s been something about her ever since she walked up to me at the mall. In my head, I already tagged her a box of mystery and I’m determined to see what she’s got up her sleeve.. Not in her panties, I don’t care much about that. Is it that I don’t care or I can’t care? Mehn, whichever! 

She kept the conversation ranging from every sphere of discussable shit! And when she hit the sensitive relationship part and I declared that I’m single without any sense of shame whatsoever, the look on her face embarrassed me. She frowned and asked ‘Why?’. ‘A young man can’t be single again? When did being in a relationship become so important in this life?’.  I quizzed. I picked up what was left of my chilled orange juice, that’s all I could manage to have, and I hurriedly sent it down my stomach in a loud gulp. Beckoned to the bartender. Asked what the bill was. He gave me a servile smile, looked at Candice and said my bils are on the house. My face changed to that of someone who got served a pile of brown excrement after ordering for a plate of Jollof and grilled chicken. 
‘The house, what house?’ 

He was out of responses and Candice picked up from there. 

‘My uncle owns here. I’m guessing that explains it all. ‘

‘Oh..!’  I managed to cough out deflatedly. 

I’m one of the few men who would always insist on fixing his own bills. Always. I don’t joke with that. Hence, my shock at the ‘bills on the house’ news. Even if it’s the last penny I have, I’d fix what I must and crawl back to my space if I have to. But right now, I think there’s no battle to be fought. A good warrior should know when to unsheath his sword and when not to. And this situation is one of those just drag your ass home moments.

 Between slurring on saying thank you and lying that it’s been some cool timeout.. goodbye flew out of my mouth. She didn’t move. That smile still plastered on her face. I did the four-finger-wavy-bye thingy and I left. 

She texted me before I got home. Accusing me of my nasty habit of leaving awkwardly and how she’d be looking forward to seeing me again. She also apologized for seemingly creeping into my private space with her questions. In her, I saw a girl who’s vulnerable yet mysterious. And with this, she won me over.

We saw again after that day. Subsequent days were a lot more normal. We’ve not met in my personal space or hers yet though. I have deliberately avoided this like a plague. We talk about everything and almost nothing at the same time; respecting our personal boundaries. She’s a lot more beautiful than I ever thought. She’s comfortable around me. So much, it almost scares me. 

This day, after one of our usual meetings, she pulled a nasty stunt. I was about walking away when she stopped me and said she has a question for me. I already sensed that there’s no way on earth this can be good. She came so close to me, so close I could smell her breath. She had one bottle too much. Unlike me, she’s no teetotaler. Occasional drinker, she calls herself. But before she even started talking, as if  she heard what went through my head, she said:

‘and I’m not tipsy or anything. I know exactly what I’m doing’. 

But I didn’t think so. Looking directly into my cornea, her words came out like bullets off a machine gun.

‘Do you not find me attractive? You are the first guy who’s ever made me feel so ordinary. I don’t get to you, do I? Are you gay or something? Maybe that’s why you never want to talk about your relationship. I might be crossing so many lines right now but I’d return to my room after saying all these and have a good sleep’..

I wouldn’t say I’ve not been expecting this and I feel just as bad. But one thing I didn’t expect was the emotion. She would never understand how I see her. She’s been ripping my walls apart, she just didn’t know. At this point in time, she was no longer standing so close to me. She wore hurt like a mask. I smiled and prepared my reply.

‘I’m not sure you’d believe this, but I’m not gay and I find you very attractive. The thing is…… ‘

She cut in recklessly. She’s been dropping bullets I said, huh? This time, she did a missile! And it totally changed everything. 

‘…so what?? You are not gay. Oh then, maybe you are impotent!’. 

You know the effect of a very heavy slap? No, that’s just not explicit enough. Eerrmm, how about imagining hitting your head against the wall while walking in the dark. More like it. That ‘gbammmm!!!!!!!!’ feeling that numbs your brain. Exactly. The demons in my head went all ‘now, how about that for a retort’. I tried to talk, and I just couldn’t. It was then she realized that she’s said something she shouldn’t have. She held her face. She just caught me off guard. Totally! 

‘J-o-h-n-n-y, I’m not right. Am I? You are not impo…..’.

My mouth didn’t open but my face had on it the words I couldn’t say. I was trying to decide if she just insulted me or she just made a joke that struck home. Trust me, for her, it was a random thing to say.. little did she know that she can never be more right about anything else in the world. My darkest secret just popped out of her mouth the way lightening takes a stroll. Instinctively, I wanted to walk away. She knew. She took a couple of steps towards me and held me damn tight. My bones were almost shifting. She was crying. And then sadly, so was I. 

About what happened thereafter, I don’t know. Frankly speaking. All I know is this: I didn’t go back my apartment that night. We went to hers. She made it happen. And when we got there, we had a very long talk. I told her everything. And guess what? She said she just might have a fix. But that we shouldn’t get OUR hopes high. She said ‘our’. Right there, that night, she and I became an item. All the feelings I’ve bottled for her came rushing out. She crawled up to me. Held my face and said ‘We’d find a way around this. I promise you baby. We would. And……..’ She hesitated for a while..   ‘…I.. I,  love you’. 

I wanted to talk and again, this time, intensely.. I broke down. Like a child. She kissed me. I kissed her back. We went all frenchy for a couple of minutes. Down there in my lower department- same old, same old yo. We were entangled in a deep cuddle and we slept that way. 

She has a doctor she trusts somewhere downtown. That’s the fix she was banking on. An attempt at a fix, rather. And it turned out good. We went there very early the next morning. Told the doc all we had to. And he recommended a more intense test. Candice was with me through it all. We got the test results that day. Unlike those idiots! 

The doctor examined the papers we brought back from the lab. He then told us that it’s severe. Or, that it has become that way. If he had encountered me during the inception of this chaos, he just might have had a perfect way around it. But for now, I should be sure I might never have it the way I used to. But then, he has a pill that’d fix it all so good. Or, near good. It won’t induce a voluntary erection this time, but it would make active for a period of time all that needs to be in place for a proper flow of blood from my brain to the meat down below. ‘It’d work with your mood’ He said with a grin. ‘But then…’. My heart caught fire as he was about introducing this clause. 

‘You’d feel an unusual flow of energy. With time, you’d find a way around channeling it properly ‘. 

Not so bad.. Right? I looked at Candice and quizzed. She smiled. Reached for my hand. Squeezed it. And that meant the entire world to me. We left the clinic. I resisted the urge to peck the doctor’s bald head. Candice pushed me against the wall immediately we stepped out of the doctor’s space. She gave off a smile full of mischief. I got the message. I smiled right back. We literally flew home. I took the pill on arrival. And Candice was right in front of me. Dressed up in absolutely nothing, waiting expectedly for my take off. 

And it happened. Almost perfectly. Just that I had this mad rush of energy. The effect of the drug coupled with my long staleness, boy, it was explosive! I climaxed. She did before me. I fell off her and hibernated. Muttering just a particular sentence  ‘Thank you Candice. Thank you’. There she was, panting heavily like a woman in labour. And smiling widely in the dark. 

We’d have it so good, I thought. So damn good. My life would have some spice again. Candice had to travel the next day. Job related, she said. I felt horrible. After finding a fix to my age-long curse, she’d be off. 

 ‘Just for a while baby. I’d be back before you know it. We already have a fix. That’s the ultimate’.  She made me take a look celibacy oath. It was pointless. I wouldn’t have cheated on her. At all. The thought wouldn’t have crossed my mind. My birthday would be in three days. She has been away for a week. It felt like a year! She already said she’d be returning a day to my birthday. And I just couldn’t wait. The night preceeding her arrival, I could barely sleep. We spoke on the phone deep into the night after a conference she attended. Tomorrow, she’d come and tomorrow, my life would change. For the worse. 

She was making plans for my birthday and I didn’t even know. She arrived that day so late. The minute she called to tell me she was so close to my place, I went into my closet and popped three of my magic pill. Not two, three! The excitement that gripped me and the fact that she’s been away for a while and I’ve craved her like crazy instigated this idea. I wanted us to get really nasty all through the night. Last night, while we were talking on the phone, we started talking dirty at some point and she sounded so starved too. I seem to have held over two years of celibacy in and I just longed to let it all out. The second she stepped into my room, I grabbed her. She could feel something totally unusual about my countenance. I could too. I was feeling really edgy. It didn’t occur to me that I just overdosed on a very strong medication. 

I was almost turning her dress into shreds. She was being too slow. She wasn’t ready for me, not this way.  She was saying something about leaving our urges unattended to till my birthday proper. It felt like she was saying rubbish! My nerves were burning. She looked at me. And I saw it, I swear I did.. The fear that ran through her the moment I cupped her breast. I wanted to go easy, but it was like the devil already left hell and relocated into my medulla oblongata! I felt like I was a contestant in the festival of gods and something in me just won’t cease to dance to the wild beat of evil gongs.

 She was crying already. I was trying to make a plea. To tell her to be down for me. Words wouldn’t come out. Her eyes suddenly caught the sachet of pill I popped. She noticed three empty slots. It dawned her. Never in my life have I seen anyone so scared of anything in this world! I felt like a monster. I was hating myself. But I couldn’t help how I was feeling. I think I heard her say ‘I want you, but not this way’. I wasn’t seeing Candice anymore, I was seeing a bitch. I ripped off her dress. Spread her laps. And tore through her. I was going so fast. So much. She already accepted the fact that this person ain’t me anymore but a beast from the darkest part of hades. I could feel her giving in. Yes, she’s relaxing already. All my fantasies could have an audition now. All of them. A bit of strangling is sexy, a bit of it. I put my hands around her neck. She liked that. You bet! She suddenly got jerky. Vigorously. I felt she was cuming. I smiled devishly and basked in the raw glory. I tighthend my grip on her throat. She then relaxed totally. Or, so I felt. My brain won’t cease to burn. I was nearing climax. Oh, yeah, I could feel it! It’s so strong now. ‘aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!’ I groaned. And I let it out. All of it. I still didn’t stop. I couldn’t. I didn’t even realize that my hands were still holding her throat. Suddenly, a calm from nowhere swept through me. I ceased. Unplugging my hands off her throat felt like trying to remove a plug that’s melted into a socket. Reality dawned on me. I tried to shake her. She was still as a statue. Oh damn, she wasn’t cuming then, she was actually going. To a world of utter extinction. And I sent her there. I detached myself from her. I was sweating. She was bruised heavily. So was I. Pool of tears were gathering in my eyes already. It’d rain soon. I knelt right there beside her, staring into her vacant eyes and I couldn’t miss those line of tears. In that instant, my eyes sensed a white foamy trail around her mouth. It was racing down. Lazily. 
THE END